“Meet people where they are, not where you would like them to be”
Do you know what the people in your life need from you? Do you know what you need from them? Have you bothered to have these conversations?
**Disclaimer**
You must first give yourself what you need BEFORE you can give someone else what they need. Always remember that.
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When you are maintaining, rebuilding or beginning a new relationship with someone, what are your intentions? Albeit, with a family member, friend, your partner, etc do you ever take into account of what they may need from you? We have to learn to be who/what those people need us to be for THEM. Not being who/what we ASSUME they need us to be for them. “Sometimes, we have to meet people where they are” while still trying to figure out how to be of value to them and ofcourse being of value to yourself. Let that sink in.
I believe that there are some major areas in which fall under the microscope of who is in our lives & why. They are in our lives for a reason and we have to really sit back and appreciate them while we still have the ability to do so. Check it out:
Parenting– For those who have a child or children, we want what we think is best for them right? We want what we feel is necessary for them to have (basic needs- food, shelter, clothing, education, etc) which is perfectly fine and normal. However, where the issues arise is when we go deeper into the necessities and in turn trying to CONTROL what they eat, how they dress, where they go to college, who they date/marry, if they want to be married or not, which occupations to choose, to buy or to rent, etc. Once again, it becomes about what WE THINK is best for them and not taking into consideration of what THEY NEED to become the person they were meant to become.
What I know for a fact from my personal experience is that children need the following things: The Basics (food, shelter, clothing, education, good (physical, mental & emotional) health, etc), Love & Affection, Quality Time (put your devices down-yours and theirs… and be attentive. Whichever activities y’all enjoy together, make it a habit), Guidance, Support, Safety & Security, Family, Positive Role Models, Protection, Communication, Structure, Positive Home Environment, Respect, Social Skills, Expressing their feelings (respectfully), Discipline, Consistency, Honesty, Trust, Encouragement, the chance & space to learn and grown, etc (whew! y’all get the picture though lol).
Everything else that we create outside of their needs are sort of a figment of our imagination, projection and an extension of our upbringing. As parents, we learn from what we have seen from our childhood but we have to be creative in our teachings. We also have to just let them be who they were meant to be and allow them to to follow their own paths and not ours. Let your kid(s) be a kid, start young. When they get older, they will remember the freedom and not feeling like they were pressured to be YOU. Ya’ll following me?
Friendships– What types of friendships do you have? There are definitely different levels and according to my sister Rebekah Denise, here are some of those levels/stages: Stranger Danger, Associates, You know me, Closey Close & Bestfraaann- (to get more details, go listen to her Podcast: Rabbits Whole Episode #15) What I have been learning is this, each friend you have is different and they all offer different things but they should all add value to your life, as you should add to theirs as well. If not, there needs to be some reevaluation.
Have you ever taken inventory of what type of friend you may be to someone? Have you ever taken note of what type of friend that person needs you to be to/for them? If not, try it out. What do you need from them and what do they need from you in order to have a meaningful lasting connection? Making a list of what friendship looks like for you can be a great tool to aiding in your friendships. A lot of time we have some friends who are basically family, and I take that seriously. In order to keep it genuine and positive, it is my duty to ensure I am being the friend they need. Are you being the best friend that you can be or are you lacking in some areas? We all have to take responsibility and be mindful of our own actions as well. In college, I learned that some friends are there for the following: reason, season, lifetime (shout out to Bennett College for Women). To this day, I still try to apply this in my life.
Family- Family means different things for different people. What are you doing within your family to ensure that your family members get what they need from you? You may be closer to one person more than the other or, there may even be strains in your relationships with you family members. However, those who are around and consistently in your life, make the best of it and cherish those moments. If you’re a phone person, make calls to your family members a couple times (or more) per week. If texting is preferred, shoot a text once or twice a week. If they are local, try to schedule weekly or biweekly meet-ups. Do what you can with the time that you have. Take inventory on what is needed by those family members you desire to have positive relationships with.
Intimate/ Committed Relationships- If you are in a current committed/intimate relationship, how well do you know your partner? How well do they know you? That’s where it all starts. We have to pay attention to one another and be genuine with out intentions throughout the relationship. Then, there needs to be various conversations about wants and needs. Non-Stop Communication!! Simply put. If you are unable to fulfill the needs your partner desires in a way in which it becomes impossible, you may need to reconsider some things. And y’all, I’m not just talking about physical needs (it needs to also be emotional). Have your partner to go into depth about what he/she really needs from you in order to have positive outcomes. Does he or she need you to do the following:
l. Words of affirmation- simply saying “thank you” or even giving compliments
2. Gifts- doesn’t have to be anything big. Could be just a token of appreciation or a “just because”
3. Acts of Service – Doing something for your spouse that you know they would
like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are all acts of service.
4. Quality time – Giving your spouse/partner your undivided attention.
Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV off, no cellular devices – talking and listening.
5. Physical touch – holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual intercourse, etc
What does a relationship look like to you? Write it down (current, future) After you write it down, put some action toward it and see where is goes.
Love Languages- What is your love language? What are the ways you show love and what are the best ways for people to love you? If you are unsure, set some time aside to take whichever quiz applies to you:
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/singles/
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/
Ending
With all of this talk about needs, remember, it can only be effective if you are willing to put in the work. If you are not willing to do so, the results may not have positive outcomes. If you care to continue certain relationships, listen and be attentive. Another important fact is that the person on the other end needs to also put the work in to see what you need as well. Reciprocation is important! You have to also voice what is needed in your life so that you can be satisfied with each and every relationship & friendship that you have with other people. Closed mouths do not get fed. Speak up!
Here are a few quizzes/worksheets you can take/view to get a feel for your different relationships, what your needs are, etc:
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/what-do-you-really-need-in-a-relationship-relationship-quiz_1
https://www.quizony.com/am-i-a-good-sister/1.html?qisrc=start-1&qdevice=desktop
https://365tests.com/friendship-tests/what-kind-of-friend-are-you/
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/what-do-you-really-need-in-a-relationship-relationship-quiz_1
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/happiness-quiz-where-do-you-find-joy
Melanin.On the.Glow 